The Extremely Secret Blog of S Snape
by Solo By Choice
Summary: The blog of Snape. heh. Entry: the door. Mood: depressed. Listening to: the beating of my black, black heart. Set during PS
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Heh heh. Popped into my head one day and wouldn't leave. Is occurring during the Philosopher's Stone.

Disclaimer: Opinions expressed by the blogger do not necessarily represent those of Solo by Choice.

THE EXREMELY SECRET BLOG OF SEVERUS SNAPE

Entry: forgot

Mood: Almost cheerful

Eating: Roast beef sandwich

Listening to: Watermelon Man

Ok, today is almost good. Professor Icabod of DADA stormed off this morning with three nifflers attached to his gold earring. Dumbledore announced post of DADA prof. open at lunch. YESSSSS! does super secret Slytherin victory dance Have copied my resume (for the tenth time and counting) and submitted it to the old bat. The job's jinxed so surely Dumby will see reason as no one else will apply… ok that might actually be because of the copious amounts of sticky taffy in his In tray…

To Do:

buy more sticky taffy

buy shampoo

never do super secret Slytherin victory dance when the door is open and McGonagall is walking past

remove niffler hairs from robes

Entry: 10 bajillion (wtf do I have to keep count?)

Mood: pissed

Eating: my sorrow

Drinking: my woe

Listening to: a fly buzz in the window

I HATE MY LIFE! No, more accurately, I HATE PROF. QUIRREL! That little nancy-boy is DADA teacher! Oh, yeah. I also hate Dumby as he is a retarded old man. Hellooooo? Am I not clearly ten thousand times more qualified for the job than some stuttering loser? Oh, well, on the bright side (or the slightly less pitch black side, that is), Quirrel is such a pansy that scaring him away will be no problem. Hmmmm…garlic in his closet? The man's so paranoid about vampires it's unbelievable…took Pomphry ages to remove that hex from my boots the last time I went to the annual costume party.

To Do:

kill Quirrel

Entry: the door

Mood: depressed

Listening to: the beating of my black, black heart.

Uggggghhhhhhhhh…McGonagall (I hate her) forced me to alphabetize the first years for her (along with multiple threats to turn me into a platypus if I didn't comply). Stupid old bat. Or cat. Or whatever. Turns out the retarded son of that Potter being will be attending school here. I'd hoped his obviously Squib-like tendencies would have won over…probably the brat will be as Cro-Magnon-like as his sire. Clearly his undersized brain will cause him to fail all his courses. Or at least Potions…heh.

Quirrel-Status: Still alive

Me-Status: Still Potions Master

To Do:

fail Potter

destroy Quirrel

buy shampoo

get the forking niffler fur off my robes already!

Entry: not permitted

Mood: irritated

Drinking: Quirrel's blood (in my dreams)

Listening to: Dark Lord of Derkholm on tape

Quirrel must die. And believe me, I have perfectly legit reasons for wanting to aid him on that path we all must take. He talks (and stutters) about Albania all. The. Time. And he is planning on wearing a purple turban to the welcoming feast. God help me. Did you know it's nice in Albania this time of year? No I bloody well didn't and I BLOODY WELL DON'T CARE! McG finally silenced him with one of her patented 'I will destroy you and feast on your flesh' death glares. Sprout and Vector are planning on raiding Quirrel's quarters, finding the offensive headgear, and utterly atomizing it. Perhaps I shall aid them…

To Do:

murder Quirrel

buy shampoo

take robes to the dry cleaners

Entry: huh?

Mood: utterly depressed

Drinking: rather copious amounts of Guinness Stout

Listening to: Celtic Woman

Am drunk. Am aware of this fact. Am not sure exactly how this came to be. Met Potter brat today. Potter brat has green eyes. Am almost too drunk to remember why this matters.

_Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?_

_Or all the joyous rites of spring_

_Upon which we merrily were gay_

_And golden sparrow cheerily did wing?_

_The turtles did move slowly through the grass_

_And tentacles extended from the lake_

_What's surface, when as smooth as glass_

_You're pretty face a view could take._

_But now the augries awkwardly make moan_

_And thestrals spread their gloom around my mind._

_And this sonnet makes the learned groan_

_But to thee with my heart I to it bind. _

_And the disdainful monarch on his throne_

_Will use this crappy poem to wipe his hind. _

Entry: pi

Mood: bored

Eating: a pickle

Drinking: nothing alcoholic

Listening to: Goldeneye

Since I've somehow survived the first week of school, I believe I know the students well enough to make my annual list.

My Annual List 

Potter-retarded

Weasley-retarded

Granger-know-it-all

Longbottom-retarded

Finnigan-unimportant

Thomas-unimportant

Brown-giggly

Patil-giggly

Boot-passably intelligent

Goldstein-passably intelligent

Other Patil-passably intelligent

Corner-passably intelligent

Bones-giggly

Abbott-retarded

Macmillan-grade B suck up

Finch-Fletchly-unimportant

Malfoy-grade A suck up

Crabbe-Cro-Magnon-like

Goyle-Cro-Magnon-like

Parkinson-retarded

Zabini-unimportant

There we go. I count 5 retards, 1 know-it-all, 2 suck-ups, 3 giggly people and 2 Cro-Magnons (plus I think I've forgotten some people). They've only had the decency to send me 4 passably intelligent people and 4 unimportant people—those two being the only kinds I can stand. This year looks like sucking. So what else is new?

Quirrel-status: breathing

Me-status: Potions Master

To Do:

extra hard 7th year Newts pop quiz (eh heh heh)

buy shampoo

destroy Quirrel and dance on whatever's left

petition Filch to make giggling illegal in the dungeon areas

Entry: _e_

Mood: vaguely cheerful

Drinking: a Green River ice cream soda

Listening to: John Coltrane

Saturday. The best day of the week. No teaching terminally idiotic teenagers, no dealing with overly enthusiastic co-workers, just a nice day sitting in my lair alone. McG (the old hag) has decided to rule that our annual staff Halloween party will involve dressing as characters from classic novels. I plan on busting out the Dracula costume, as usual. Have been heavily insinuating to Quirrel that he ought to go as Bill Sikes and act out the ending of _Oliver Twist_. He has no idea what I'm talking about.

Dumbledore has been ignoring my complaints about Potter who breaks rules left and right and always gets away with it—not fair! He just told me to keep an eye on Quirrel. Something fishy seems to be afoot…hm.

To Do:

grade OWL level essays

look up canine sharpening spell (_lupus denturus_? Naw…)

purchase binoculars

Entry: 5.3476901

Mood: annoyed

ARG! The accursed Weasley twins have blown up my dungeon so I gave them detention cleaning, Muggle-style, all the dragon tapeworm guts off the walls. I believe it is time to start my annual countdown until those miserable twits will graduate—4 years. My laziness prevents any higher accuracy.

A/N: TBC? Not sure…if the muse strikes…


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Yay! Another chapter!

Entry: 5 (again)

Mood: in pain

Eating: Morphine

Listening to: The Voices

UGH! Halloween was an absolute disaster. That retard Quirrel let a TROLL into the castle to distract so he could try to get the Stone. Idiot. I wonder why he wants it? Why would anyone want to live longer than they have to? Life sucks.

Anyway, I went to head him off, which worked except that stupid three-headed dog bit my leg off, practically. I have a gaping wound, but does Dumbledore fire the turban man and instate me in his place? Oh, no. Of course not. Quirrel is still alive and I am still Potions Master. Bugger.

And I can't get Pomphry to work on my leg because Dumby wants this whole thing 'kept quiet.' Infuriating old bat.

To Do:

buy shampoo

ask Filch whether the yellowish pus is a bad thing

Entry: oh, go die

Mood: EXTREMELY PISSED OFF

Turns out pus is not a good sign. So Filch decided to play nurse and bandage up my leg. All was fine and dandy until the Potter Brat stuck his head through the door. He wanted some book or something. Who even cares? I spitted him with my best 'You shall die and I shall consume your soul' death glare and he squeaked (which was mildly amusing) and ran off. BUT he knows about the bite! And Filch was chasing some First years around near the forbidden corridor…I've got a terrible feeling that Potter Brat II is even more nosey than Potter Brat I was…if that's even possible. I HATE HIM!

To Do:

Kill Potter and eat his innards

Throw up and cremate said innards so they will not contaminate the (slightly more) innocent children of the future

Get more bandages

Entry: 4013137400100

Mood: neutral

Drinking: pumpkin juice

Listening to: Beethoven's Fifth Symphony

The leg is healing, Potter hasn't (overly) bothered me in some time, and everything seems sort of ok. Except that Quirrel is still alive and teaching. And I am still Potion's Master.

I'm trying to figure out why Quirrel wants the Stone. As I mentioned earlier, life sucks so why sustain it longer? Quirrel doesn't even seem that happy anyway. Although he did attempt to murder the Potter Brat during the Quidditch match.

Dumbledore still just wants 'an eye kept on him.' Um, he's trying to KILL THE STUDENTS! As much as I detest Potter, Quirrel is clearly an incompetent teacher. Anyway, I saved the stupid boy's life (there, life debt to Potter I taken care of. Next time maybe I'll let him die) and then Granger the Know-it-all set fire to my robes. Only I can't prove it. Boo.

And Slytherin lost. Potter Brat II nearly swallowed the snitch and they still won! UGH.

To Do:

set fire to Granger's robes, see how she likes it

stalk Quirrel

ask Dumby's doctor how fast the old guy's going senile

Entry: trapdoor

Mood: mildly homicidal

Listening to: Shelob's Lair by Howard Shore

Mmmmm, giant spiders. Just the thing for Quirrel's Christmas gift, don't you think? Too bad they won't sit to be wrapped….

So, speaking of Christmas, it will be the BUGGERATION from HELL this year because a. Quirrel is staying b. Dumbledore is staying and c. Weasley offspring numbers 3-6 are staying. UNGH! AND the Potter Brat II is staying! Does the world really hate me or something? Huh? Well, I think we can answer that with a resounding 'yes!'

On a brighter note, the Granger Know-it-all is going home for break. Thank God.

To Do:

acquire giant spider eggs and lots of wrapping paper

buy shampoo

get some socks for Dumbledore's gift

Entry: portal

Mood: whatever

Eating: crisps

Drinking: something vaguely alcoholic

Listening to: Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition

I'm having a sort of list-making day. Those are fun. I can makes lists like:

Reasons I hate Christmas 

Quirrel

Getting sucky presents

Giving sucky presents

Mistletoe

Creepy old man

Memories

Quirrel

Weasleys

Happiness

Reasons the Weasley Offspring Bother Me Immensely

Bill Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Percy Weasley

Fred Weasley

George Weasley

Ron Weasley

That other one…forgot his/her name

The red hair

They're egotistical

They (usually) suck at Potions

They (usually) lack brains

Quidditch skills

Head Boy status

Potter connections

Dungeon-blowing-up incidents

Everyone else likes them

Reasons That I Actually Didn't Get Dumbledore Socks for Christmas 

Wtf does he want them anyway?

Too cold to go to Hogsmeade

They were much funner to incinerate than wrap

The flying pigs ate them on the way to build a snowman with the devil

I forgot his shoe size

It's so much easier to get an old book

Buying lemon drop patterned socks usually attracts weird looks from other shoppers

Not in the job description

I think he'll find the list in the back of the book of how to kill/main/fire Quirrel RIGHT NOW more interesting

Was lazy

Didn't want the roast to burn

Got committed instead. Woo hoo!

Entry: yonder

Mood: bleh

Drinking: Eggnog

I hate Christmas. Really. Everyone gives presents to people they wish were dead (hope Quirrel enjoys the arsenic-laced muffins) and some kid randomly decides to break into the restricted section of the library at midnight. Hello? Someone clearly needs a hobby.

Did have a cheerful little Quirrel intimidation session, though. The idiot just stuttered in my face.

The Twins from the Inferno sent me dragon dung for Christmas. Disgustingly, it was ancient stuff and blew up because of gasses building up inside. Ew. On the bright side, they get to clean it up. McG pretended to be furious, but I think she was laughing once they left. Wrinkly old hypocritical bat.

Once break is over, I think I'll assign a three foot long essay. On the uses of toadstools. Yes… the great part is toadstools are only used in one potion…eh heh heh

To Do:

clean my robes for proper swooping-about-the-dungeon usage

Prefect meeting tomorrow (wtf do I have to officiate?! Oh, yeah, the stupid Head Boy and Girl are on _vacation_. Morons)

Buy shampoo already!

Entry: irritated

Mood: Oh, wait…

Drinking: nothing……..

Notes Taken During Prefect Meeting 

I hate this. They all ignore me anyway so what's the point of being here? Snobs. Think they're sooooo great because they get to order eleven-year-olds around. Well, so do I and I can take off points so ha! My God, who made Roger O'Reilly a prefect? The guy's so stupid that his last conversation of any merit was with plankton. Or something…that was only really funny in my head.

Whatever. Enough of this crap.

To Do:

actually come to Prefect-choosing meetings

continue to piss Weasley 3 off by calling him Percival

kill Quirrel

Review Replies:

**MatoakaWilde**—Yay! First reviewer! They really are rather retarded, aren't they?

**Wilddog14**—Yes, and the muse has…. -

**Evangelyne**—Oh good! And thanks for the favorite! (I think that was you…sweatdrop)

**The Unbreakable Snape Fan**—Oh, goody! I'm glad you kept reading and I hope it was worth it!

**StoogegirlSilva**—Yeah, Snape's fun to write. Unhappy but scornfully…hilarious? I think he could be, if he tried. Very sarcastic, too.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Finally! This chapter finishes PS, so the next one should begin CoS.

Disclaimer: Besides the obvious, there are some references to things not mine. Snape is apparently familiar with classic movies. 

Entry: skylight

Mood: retarded

Eating: cheese and mushrooms

Ok, so, I just decided to do something stupid. Something Stupid agreeing to ref the upcoming Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff game. Reasons That Was Stupid I hate Gryffindor. Gryffindor hates me. Oh, yeah, and Quirrel might get suspicious. 

In other news, I don't really care. 

One Possible Good Outcome I could kill Potter Brat II and maybe get away with it. I mean, a little highly explosive broom wax couldn't really be traced to its source, after all. 

To Do:

clean nasty ref robes

buy broom handle wax

Entry: find it yourself

Mood: vindictive

Listening To: some weird Mexican Rap radio station

Hufflepuff lost. ARGGGGGHGHGHGHGH! Hmmm…exactly how would someone make that sound, I wonder? Anyway, Quirrel was all twitchy in the forest afterwards. I asked him about getting past "Fluffy" and he just (surprise!) stuttered. My God, it surprises me where he got the guts to try for the Stone, anyway. Hold on…………..crap. Not good. 

You know what, REALLY killing Quirrel might not be so bad an idea, after all. 

To Do:

take a wild guess

buy shampoo

Entry: over the rainbow

Mood: hiiiiiiiiiiigh

Listening To: Girlfriend

In the name of science. All in the name of science. Because doxy wings monkshood ? Ooh, look, a pink acromantula! Pretty. 

Entry: never again

Mood: um…that's what she said

Turns out that the fumes from a potion of doxy wings and monkshood should never be inhaled. Ever.

And now, as they say, for something completely different. 

Well, I have lately been tormenting Potter Brat II, freaking Weasley #6 out, and mocking the Granger Know-it-all. And I've been contemplating Quirrel. Dumby is usually not interested in hearing my protests against the Turbinator, but may perk up slightly upon my proclamation that Quirrel is probably a follower of Moldy Voldy. I have come to the conclusion thus: 

Reasons That Quirrel is A Dark Lord Hugger

spent the summer in Albania

wears that smelly turban all the time (LV could be possessing him, after all)

gets all twitchy when I mention picking sides

tried to kill Potter Brat II

tried to get past Cerberus' little cousin on the third floor

I hate him (oh wait…)

I shall present this extremely convincing argument to the Master Head momentarily…

To Do:

the above

kill Quirrel

write up another (11th revision!) copy of my resume for DADA teacher

Entry: the Veil

Mood: some word that means ashamed/irritated/embarrassed/pissed off

Listening to: Frozen by Within Temptation 

Ok, so Master Head Dumby already _knew_ that Quirrel was LV's personal human-shaped container. Great. Severus Snape gets another chance to look like a total noob. Woo hoo. 

And yet, you'd think he'd _do_ something about it. Oh no. No no no. Turns out my 11th revision resume was preemptive. Dumby is STILL keeping Quirrel as a teacher! Ok, look, bringing my resume to the meeting probably didn't win me any points, but I'm still _clearly_ a better teacher—I mean, I don't follow Voldemort. 

Um, anymore…

But still! 

To Do:

buy shampoo

Entry: _i _

Mood: irrational (HARHAR)

Drinking: covertly, from my flask

Listening to: Photograph by Nickleback

Today is the Annual Prefect Choosing Meeting. Given that this year's prefects are twats, I thought I should attend. 

Opinions On the Kids Who Have Been Chosen As New Prefects For Next Year (Never Mind This Year's Who Will Repeat)

Slytherin Boy: Emil Clark (Who IS this kid?)

Slytherin Girl: Courtney Gable (Clark…Gable. Should I be amused?)

Ravenclaw Boy: Jerry Korenchan (nice name—for a nerd)

Ravenclaw Girl: Penelope Clearwater (is she longsuffering?)

Hufflepuff Boy: George Hardison (another amusing name)

Hufflepuff Girl: Amanda Clarence (does she have her wings?)

Gryffindor Boy: Apollo Maragos (some Greek geek)

Gryffindor Girl: Sheila Bridges (ugly) 

Well, that was strange. Hm….how else to waste (I mean, use productively) time at this stupid meeting….

Opinions On This Year's Prefects Who Will Be Prefect Again Next Year

Slytherin Boy: Terrence Higgs (decent kid but plays Quidditch seeker and kind of cough sucks)

Slytherin Girl: Maryann Wilson (innocuous) 

Ravenclaw Boy: Alex Korenchan (it must run in the family)

Ravenclaw Girl: Amy Haggis (yum)

Hufflepuff Boy: Ivanho Georges (I kid you not)

Hufflepuff Girl: Rowena Lee (these two are meant for each other, clearly)

Gryffindor Boy: Percy Weasley (a.k.a. Weasley #3, obnoxious)

Gryffindor Girl: Valentina Larson (um….)

Ok, that's enough. 

Entry: the wardrobe

Mood: WTF!

Listening to: my jaw drop onto the floor

Well. Today has been eventful, to say the least. 

Weirdness went unnoticed by me even though Quirrel was all eye-twitchy at dinner and I ran into Potter Brat II, Weasley #6, and the Granger Know-it-all muttering about 'tonight' and 'Snape.' I freaked them out with some insinuations about nighttime wanderings (and their faces pretty much proved that I am right—Potter inherited his bigheaded daddy's predilection for breaking curfew) and sent them outside. 

The next thing I know about oddness is Dumby calling a middle-of-the-#$&-night teacher meeting. Apparently Quirrel did try for the Stone, Potter (and his sidekicks) went after him and got through the 'tasks' (they must not be that hard if some first years can beat them—bet it was Granger who got my potions-logic problem correct), and Potter ended up with the Stone. Dumby arrived just in time, Quirrel is dead (YESSSSSSSSS!), la de da de da the happy ending. Oh yeah, and Voldy is still floating around body-less somewhere. Yuk. 

Entry: up

Mood: The ship will experience a few minutes of turbulence and then…. explode.

Drinking: Strawberry milk

Listening to: Chameleon 

Another year through. THANK GOD! THANK YOU SO BLOODY MUCH! shakes fist at ceiling 

Gryffindor won the House Cup. Well, technically, Slytherin did, but Master Head Dumby decided to be all over dramatic and gave extra points to Gryffindor at the last second. 50 to Granger for being a Know-it-all, 50 to Weasley #6 for some twat or other, 60 to Potter Brat II for rushing headfirst into danger, and 10 to Longbottom-the-witless-wonder for getting petrified on the floor in his PJs. Wow, congratulations. 

But to focus on the more important point: QUIRREL IS GONE! So resume revision 11 is really going into effect. Tomorrow. On Dumby's desk. And his door. And in his breakfast porridge for good measure. 

Official Summer To Do List:

buy shampoo

become DADA teacher by September 1st

ensure that Potter will not return

charm potions ingredients bottles to be unbreakable 

usual protections against the Terror Twins from Hell and their annual welcome back prank on Snape

find Quirrel's old turbans and burn them

fill Trelawny's favorite crystal ball with fog-charm (eh heh heh)

listen to Chameleon a lot

Review Replies:

**Wilddog14**- oh yes, washing robes for swoop-age is incredibly exciting! 

**MatoakaWilde**-yeah, he is, isn't he? Oh Snape…what would we do with your cruel sense of humor

**StoogegirlSilva**- Thanks! Well, the shampoo is supposed to be a running joke. Like the reason his hair's so greasy is that he keep forgetting to buy shampoo. I guess he doesn't make it because he's too lazy. 

**Khajmer**- Yay! Food! I'm currently starving…definitely should have eaten more dinner…eh. Hm…I might take forever to even get to HBP and DH and if I do get there, I'm not sure how to make them funny! I mean, those books are mucho depressing for Snape…ah well, we'll see….

**Evangelyne**- Thanks so muchly! I'm trying not to repeat any 'entry's but…it's getting harder! My favorite is Entry: not permitted. Heh 


End file.
